roses do grow from concrete sometimes ...

realization: i am my sperm donors daughter. i was hanging out with my friend naomi today ... just talking about me ... and i realized why i am the way i am. i am the emotional wreck i watched my father be every single day he was in my life. he wanted so badly to be loved by my mother. he wanted her to show it. he wanted to know without a shadow of a doubt that she'd ride and or die for him. she was never good at showing affection. the shit drove him crazy. literally. it was like the lack of want and need sent him to a place he never came back from. he loved her so much that he forgot to love his kids. he craved love like trees do water. like fiends do crack. but she just wasnt the same way as he was. she was cold. kept to herself. no need for small talk or friendly conversation. small kisses when passing by one another and smacks on the behind would be non-existant if she'd had her way. although she didnt offer her love willingly, he pushed for it. he tried so hard. and for twenty years she played him like a sucker. twently years. all because he wanted so badly to be loved. i will not be him. i will love me enough to find the want and need for validation from others absolutely unnecessary. i will hug me. i will kiss me. i'll rub my own damn back. make a romantic dinner for me, myself and i. ill massage my own calves and wear pretty lingerie just for me. ill get up earlier in the mornings to exercise and meditate. i will get myself in line. i will focus on my number one. me. because at the end of the day, if i dont lavish myself with the things i know i deserve, why should anybody else want to do it??

lemonade

i've got a lot of lemons. you'd think i have a lemon tree growing out of my butt. so right now, this instant, i've decided to make lemonade. yep. lemonade. i just need sugar. and water.

hmmm ... can anybody tell me where the hell i'm supposed to get some sugar and water from?

so much for lemonade ... does anybody have the ingredients for fruit punch? I'll bring the petron to spike it with!!!

holding hands

i bet that if you'd just let me walk with you ... through the park

and innocently pick at the loose piece of string at the end of your coat lapelle 

that i could get you to let me hold your hand ... eventually 

that if you'd just let me open your car door before i open mine

whether you're driving, directing, or just along for the ride

one long strong stare into your eyes

i bet i could give you butterflies

because to be honest

you make my heart flit a little bit

when i see you, it beats just a tad faster than normal

i call it paranormal

extraterrestrial

bet its correctional

the edit>undo to my typo

the Presidents' executive pardon to my guilty verdict

the trampoline to my highwire fall

and you don't even know it

won't ever even know it

because i'm too scared of the feeling i'll i'd feel if you say no

were i ask you to hold your hand

wandering aimlessly

torn. confused. upset. abused.

she lied to me. told me she loved me when she really loved someone else so much more that there was no room for me. and there never would be. 

she told me the truth. told me she wasn't ready. that she wasn't sure if i was what she wanted. that she really loved someone else so much more, that she wasn't sure there would be any room left for me.

he lied to me. told me he loved me when he didnt even know what love was. wasnt sure how to give it. completely ignorant on how to receive it. he never told me that he'd given almost all he had to give to her and there would be none left for me.

he told me the truth. he loved me and he proved it a million times over every single day. when i asked, he answered. i understood him. and he understood me. he told me that he'd given a lot of what he'd had to her ... but he knew in his heart that there would be enough left for me ... that is, when the time came.

dark alleys, wide streets, rain drops, rover jeeps ... im wandering ... aimlessly ...

strutting down dark alleys

running down wide streets

pretending my tears are really just rain drops

waiting to be run over by the next rover jeep

someday: the occurence of cessation

so i quit smoking cigarettes. i didnt even know that id quit. i have a whole pack sitting right here looking at me. no, they're not talking to me. my cigarettes have never talked to me. i talk to them, but its always a one way conversation. they never respond to me when i speak. whatever. anyways, yeah. i woke up yesterday and realized i hadn't had a cigarette in days. didnt want one either. dont feel the need or the urge. the scent is too strong for some reason now. smells like if i pulled a newport right now it'd rip my throat out from my tonsils all the way down my damn espohagus. i guess i should be more excited about it or something. considering i wasnt even trying though makes this sort of a non-goal. everybody says they're gonna quit ... someday. im one of those people. thats what i told people when they asked me about quitting. someday. i guess today is my someday. im happy for my mouth lol. really. i always figured that if i ended up with some gnarly mouth or throat cancer giving head would be a hard task ... and id be very upset if the womans body was no longer an option for dinner ... seriously. so yeah, yay me. 

if i let her steal my heart ...

if i let her steal my heart

i am positive that it will never beat again

never will it feel another sensation

push another ounce of blood through my vessel

surely, it will die

i can't let her steal my heart

even an attempt could cause total shock

ill go into cardiac arrest

because sooner than later, she will shoot me in my chest

knowing that i dont wear a vest

and down ill go

like the geese that soar north when the seasons change

only to realize they went the wrong way

and are now in the hunters shooting range

i wont let her have my heart

no way

and its not up for sale

i just know that if she steals my heart

she will break it

and the world

for me,

will go stale