roses do grow from concrete sometimes ...

realization: i am my sperm donors daughter. i was hanging out with my friend naomi today ... just talking about me ... and i realized why i am the way i am. i am the emotional wreck i watched my father be every single day he was in my life. he wanted so badly to be loved by my mother. he wanted her to show it. he wanted to know without a shadow of a doubt that she'd ride and or die for him. she was never good at showing affection. the shit drove him crazy. literally. it was like the lack of want and need sent him to a place he never came back from. he loved her so much that he forgot to love his kids. he craved love like trees do water. like fiends do crack. but she just wasnt the same way as he was. she was cold. kept to herself. no need for small talk or friendly conversation. small kisses when passing by one another and smacks on the behind would be non-existant if she'd had her way. although she didnt offer her love willingly, he pushed for it. he tried so hard. and for twenty years she played him like a sucker. twently years. all because he wanted so badly to be loved. i will not be him. i will love me enough to find the want and need for validation from others absolutely unnecessary. i will hug me. i will kiss me. i'll rub my own damn back. make a romantic dinner for me, myself and i. ill massage my own calves and wear pretty lingerie just for me. ill get up earlier in the mornings to exercise and meditate. i will get myself in line. i will focus on my number one. me. because at the end of the day, if i dont lavish myself with the things i know i deserve, why should anybody else want to do it??