magic tricks

I thought I loved the girl before you but damn was I wrong ...
I didn't know what love felt like until I felt your lips on mine
Until every moment was lost in space and time
I couldn't contcentrate because you always stayed on my mind ...
But I just played the fool once again
There was absolutely no way possible that I could win a heart and mind like that
Not with no tricks in my hat
"I need a new girlfriend" you said
That was like a bullet in the
HEART
Thought you were smart
But I caught you
I once had you
Now I've lost you ...
Let the mourning commence ...

Oh how time flies ...

It's been over a year since I've been here. Had so much going on I haven't taken the time out to really write much of anything. The last post I wrote was about an ex who's been an ex for over a year now ... since then I've accomplished a few things. Moved into my own place. Got a job working for a hospital as a CNA. Met a girl that makes my heart stutter something ridiculous. My kid and nieces and nephews are all a year older. Life moved on.

It's funny how when you go through a break up you feel like the entire world stops and the pain you feel is the worst pain ever and you will never fully heal from it all. But at the end of the day, you make it out okay.

I think I was so involved in that bad situation because I was so dedicated to that girl ... and she broke my heart like nobody had ever done before. I became lowkey obsessed for a minute and couldn't figure out why. But I figured it out eventually ... it was just such a new feeling. I didn't want to let it go. But you can't give love to someone who doesn't want your love. Period.

I found someone who does love me ... and she's amazing. She gives me hope. Even though at times I can't see anyone loving me forever ... if someone could love me forever, it'd be her. She compliments my being just by being ... she's my sunshine.

I'm ready to finish growing up ... I'll be 27 this year. Gotta get my ass back in school. Upgrade this raggedy CNA shit to RN shit and from there hopefully I'll be able to get on some doctor shit ... but for now I'm keeping my goals short-term.

I miss my friends. All of them. I miss my innocence. I miss feeling free. Life is good cuz I'm living but what I wouldn't give to rewind a few years and change a few things. But eh, it is what it is. *sigh* ... oh how time flies ...

Fading pictures ...

Every day I think of her less and less ... I like that. I wrote her this letter and just felt like I had to get it to her ... And when I asked her how I get it to her ... I decided that I didn't really want her to have it. Yup ... I changed my mind lol. I don't wanna be her friend, she didn't appreciate me. I am officially moving forward. I deleted her # from my phone. *sigh* ... That shit was easier than I thought it would be lol. My life is full of people who love and care for me ... I don't need anything less. And from here on out, I won't expect or accept anything less ...

Crumpled photos in a shoe box
Located in the darkest corner in the closet called my heart
A clogged aorta ...
Open heart surgery ...
5 months later and I'm growing
I'm showing ... Myself
How much I don't need you
Figuring out that there is someone out here who needs me
Just as much as I need them ...
Who will love me more than their most important limbs
The way I once loved you
Is the way in which I will someday love again ...

the admission

I can't describe the satisfaction that comes from making decisions for my future and actually taking the time to evaluate repurcussions! Repurcussions, yall! I made a logical decision, and as much as it hurt, it felt good. It feels good to know that i'm not so blinded by her effect on me as to allow her to stomp another mudhole in my being. I am moving forward, after four months of greiving about a relationship that was nothing more than a illusion ...

Lifted me up
Then let me crash
Nevermind my heart
Only interested in ass
Fooled me once
Then fooled me twice
Oh silly me
Never even put up a fight
I refuse to lose to you
Game over
Bitch, boo.
Bye.

your complication

am the gatekeeper
the holder of the keys
with just a glance
a simple stare
i can bring you to your knees
but at the end of the day
am i your saving grace
or your complication?
the static sounds horrible on your end
but all i can hear are ballads and beatiful melodies
then your phone rings
i feel like shit because i have no authority
so i deal with the white noise on the other end of your line
the sound that puts a frown on your face so sour
every hour on the fucking hour ...
utilizing the off button doesn't help as much as it should
and though i'll never let go
never give up
never let you leave
i think about it
if only to no longer be your complication
but instead, an awesome memory
soon ... i will be your fabulous present
now ... i am your amazing future
your current complication

i've changed ...

no longer the little girl i used to be
im full grown now you see
realizing that in order to make it
i have to be the woman that waits inside of me
that means understanding that some dreams may never come true
to provide for my kid
i have to do what i have to do
even if that means show off parts of my body
maybe even act a little naughty
for some extra change
but nothin strange goin on here
im full grown now
trying to ignore the self doubt
but it keeps on comin, comin, comin
no matter how fast im runnin
so i stopped running tonight
either i'll take flight
or i wont
giving up my dreams
letting go of my hopes
somebody else will have to save Haiti cuz according to everyone around me
i can't do it
and that makes me unbelievably sad
but i have to understand
that not everybody understands why i am the way i are
why id rather give my million dollar lotto winnings to Africa
than to buy a big fancy house and cars
so ill focus harder on me myself and i
instead of trying to force the world to view life through my eyes
cant everybody be on my level
so i guess i have to bring myself down a few notches ... or actually ten
guess i have to settle for the less
and simply play the cards ive been given
wish i had a comfort zone
somewhere to run and hide
someone to protect me when i feel the stress all across my hyde
arms to hold me tight
and tell me it will all be alright
but i cant even get a damn phone call
just ornery text messages
and although ive changed ...
its all my fault ...
as usual

*cue the fucking violins*

smoke & mirrors

it's hard to see the lights through all the fog
nobody ever mentioned that id have to squint my eyes the entire way to heaven
but it is what it is
so hard to give up the things that have become such a big part of me
have to relinquish the evil spirits
let the old me die
and fade away into the darkness they call the night
i am a daywalker now
walking barefoot on a path full of broken glass
pieces of mirrors, hennessy bottles, and hypodermic needles
pill boxes full of tiny white, blue, and orange pills
oh my heart be still
silence is golden
as is kharma
but slient kharma will kill a man
which makes it platinum with black diamond baguettes
let us rid them of their deception sticks
and their balls full of lies
give them pacifiers and coddle them like the babies they prove themselves to be
a man is only a reflection of his circumstances
but choice is always an option
being a good guy is so much harder than being a bad guy
therefore only a few take that road
its too hard they cry
had your heart broken too many times
well multiply it by a thousand and you still couldn't understand the pain endured by the rib who carried an entire body, mind, and soul in her uterus for nine months and counting
only for you to leave her
mentally, physically, and emotionally
for you to give her diseases
and resonate how worthless she is in your plight
no longer will she fight
letting go of hope
to faith, i stay holding on tight